SEXUAL COBWEBS

Netflix, No Chill: Why 93% of Marriages Are Running on Lukewarm Sex

If you’ve ever wondered whether other married couples are having more sex than you, the short answer is: probably not as much as Instagram suggests. McGrath points out that only a small minority of couples describe their sex life as truly passionate, while about 20% of marriages fit the definition of “sexless” (fewer than 10 encounters per year). Large population surveys ech

o this, suggesting around 1 in 6 married adults report no sex in the past year, with some studies putting the proportion of sexless marriages around 15–20%.​

So yes, there is a 7% “sheets ablaze” club—but most couples are not in it. Many are in what might be called “functional flatline”: they share bills, beds, and sometimes blankets, but not much else under them.

Welcome to the Sexual Stalemate

• Men complain, “I’m not getting any.”

• Women report, “I’m in a romantic desert.”

Underneath the jokes, there’s a very real stalemate. The higher-desire partner feels rejected, unwanted, or suspicious; the lower-desire partner feels pressured, used, or emotionally starved. Research shows that mismatched desire is one of the most common sexual complaints in long-term relationships, often leading to resentment and avoidance rather than creativity and conversation.​

Add in the fact that many couples silently compare themselves to media-driven fantasies of endless passion, and the gap between expectation and reality becomes a breeding ground for shame. When no one is talking honestly about it, couples conclude, “We must be broken,” or worse, “This is just how marriage is.”

How the Bedroom Quietly Cools Down

Contrary to the romance-movie script, desire rarely dies in one dramatic moment; it erodes in tiny, boring, believable ways. Common contributors include:

• Chronic exhaustion and stress

  
  

  Work, kids, caregiving, and financial pressure all sap the energy needed for play and pursuit. Studies show that rates of sexual activity often drop as stress and fatigue climb, especially in midlife couples juggling multiple roles.​

• Emotional disconnection and resentment

  
  

  When unresolved conflicts pile up, the body often follows the heart: touch starts to feel unsafe, undeserved, or like “reward” rather than genuine connection. Research links chronic relational conflict and low emotional intimacy with lower sexual satisfaction.​

• Screen time creep

  
  

  One analysis notes that people in many countries are having less sex now than in previous decades, despite access to more sexual content—possibly due in part to more time on devices and less time relating face-to-face. When your phone gets more eye contact than your spouse, your libido eventually files for emotional divorce.​

• Health, hormones, and medication

  
  

  Pain, chronic illness, hormonal shifts, and certain drugs (like some antidepressants) can all affect desire and arousal. Medical sources consistently recommend assessing physical factors in couples reporting sudden or persistent loss of intimacy.​

Most couples don’t sit down and say, “Let’s throttle our sex life.” They just stop guarding the conditions that made intimacy easier, and slowly, the temperature drops.

What the 7% “On Fire” Couples Are Actually Doing

The 7% aren’t necessarily younger, richer, or more naturally sexy. Many are simply more intentional. Observations from clinicians and educators like McGrath, along with relationship research, highlight some patterns:​​

• They talk about sex like grown-ups.

  
  

  They discuss frequency, likes, dislikes, fantasies, fears, and vulnerabilities without turning every conversation into a courtroom cross-examination.

• They work on emotional safety, not just technique.

  
  

  Studies repeatedly show that emotional closeness—feeling understood, appreciated, and safe—is strongly linked with higher sexual satisfaction, especially for women.​

• They protect their erotic ecosystem.

  
  

  They set basic boundaries with screens, work, and kids so there’s at least some protected time for connection. Couples who maintain regular date nights and intentional couple time tend to report higher satisfaction in both relationship and sex life.​

• They get help when things really don’t work.

  
  

  They’re more willing to seek medical advice for pain or dysfunction, or counseling for trauma and relational wounds, rather than resigning themselves to “this is our fate.”​

In other words, the 7% aren’t magically gifted—they’re just stubbornly invested.

How to Stop Scrambling for Leftovers

If you feel like your sex life is running on crumbs, the answer is not to panic or pretend, but to pivot. Some starting moves:

1. Trade blame for curiosity.

   
   

   Instead of, “You never want sex,” try, “I miss feeling close to you physically. What’s making intimacy hard for us right now?” Research on healthy couples shows that curiosity and soft-start conversations lead to better outcomes than criticism or stonewalling.​

2. Rebuild small daily connections.

   
   

   Shared jokes, kind words, non-sexual touch, and gratitude are the foreplay of the nervous system. Studies link small positive interactions with greater overall and sexual satisfaction over time.​

3. Audit your bedroom atmosphere.

   
   

   Ask: Are we always on our phones? Falling asleep to a screen? Never alone without kids? Even simple changes—devices out, occasional earlier bedtimes together—can create conditions where desire has a chance to show up.​

4. Address the big rocks honestly.

   
   

   If trauma, infidelity, porn struggles, health issues, or deep resentment are in the mix, you’re not weak for needing outside help; you’re wise. Sex therapists, counselors, and informed medical professionals exist for exactly this reason.​

Will these steps catapult you into the 7% in a week? No. But they can move you from “romantic desert” to at least “irrigated land with potential,” which is a very respectable start.